Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
oppen heimer style lol
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Good morning.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?