sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If looks could kill
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool