Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.