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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
and this one
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary