HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Vodka burrito was a success
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.