Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.