Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Date: So what鈥檚 your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma鈥檃m, i鈥檓 sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let鈥檚 back up for a second
ME: what鈥檚 wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: Look buddy, I鈥檓 not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that鈥檚 exactly why I鈥檝e asked you to leave
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I鈥檓 particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.馃檧
I鈥檓 going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If you鈥檙e going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can鈥檛 be friends.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don鈥檛 like you.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??