I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
December birthdays be like…
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Well, shit
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ