I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You Might Also Like
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”