HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
How dude HOW?!
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills