Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
But wait…
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.