Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me