ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash