i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.