Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
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“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Very problematic
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family