“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
let’s discuss
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier