Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
who wants to go expliring
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”