ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*