ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I’d use my best pan on you.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers