[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
You Might Also Like
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*