FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
You Might Also Like
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Stop sending me this shit.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid