Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶