ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Yes, but it was never about money
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder