What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
#dalle2
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us