CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.