I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.