Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
You Might Also Like
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Pot warmers of the day.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.