Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.