GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt