Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
this came to me in a vision
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story