[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
my fav colour is also hitler
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.