Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
i think we should see other cousins
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO