I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.