Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti