It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
If you had more money you’d be happier.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either