Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”