Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
![]()
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.