Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me :
All Day At Night
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.