Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son