My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
repaired
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok