Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.