Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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