Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit