Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
You Might Also Like
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.