My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*