My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you