Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Everything reminds me of my ex
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?