I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
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Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I was just discussing this with my cat
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”