DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“you recording!?”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns