i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.