I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
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A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours