*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
You Might Also Like
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
LMAO.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.