I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo